Resolute

I hate New Years Resolutions. They are phony set ups designed to manipulate us in to gung ho conquer the world mentalities that result in our crashing and burning. Think about New Years diets – total set up. For two weeks we will lace up our sneakers, walk with purpose for 20, 30. 50 minutes, eat Special K or 100 calorie soup three times a day, and suffer in silence at our internal lack of willpower. Then, we go to lunch with friends and “slip” – its all down hill from there. That is, until the spring when the “get ready for swimsuit season” influx begins again. The same goes for New Years decisions to quit smoking, clean out the garage etc… It’s not that these things don’t sometimes work. They do. But I would argue this has much less to do with the New Year drunken (on food or wine) proclamation than the time just finally being right.

So, this year, I will not do it. Instead, I will be grateful for the time to transform, for my health, for my family, for myself. I am changing some things, yes. New starts tend to foster that line of thinking. But, I am not going to fall victim to the guilt cycle. So, what do I hope for this new year? Here is my list:

1. the faith and determination to leave my student status (and therefore my families health insurance and a chunk of my teaching income) at the end of spring semester. Teaching 4 and taking 3 does not work and we are suffering, thus necessitating the health insurance – vicious cycle.

2. belief that doing the above will not result in our becoming destitute.

3. confirmation that I can live fine financially with my family by adjunct teaching AND make some money from writing (and I will have more time to write because I won’t be taking 3 classes I don’t need or want to take!). This is a huge leap.

4. focused financial planning through the spring semester that will allow for the bills to be paid through the summer (when there is no teaching work) and the camping and writing to commence.

5. more joy in the little things – b’s morning hug and “I love you,” Nana’s artwork, a walk outside

6. meditation, reading, and general breathing deep by candlelight

7. continued commitment to vegan lifestyle.

8. published 3 part magazine article and essay in the works

9. agent secured, proposal accepted

10. road taken

This is a big list. There is lots of faith and determination embedded. And I will undoubtedly fail in some way. But here’s the thing, is it failure if I keep going? If the focus is not some once a year two week diet spawned from the pages of a January magazine promising ten steps to a better you, if the hope is from the heart, if I am resolute but not immediately remorseful, could my chance for success improve? Could all of ours?

Throw out your diets, your stop smoking now cd’s, and your life makeover scripts. Make a list of your hopes and dreams for 2010, hang it on your bathroom mirror, sit in your resolute self, and then let go. Resist the urge to police your goals, beat yourself up, and proclaim it all a failure on January 3rd. Just give the list some time to take hold. When you need to, cross off something, add another line, draw a picture, scream at the glistening words on the page. Do whatever you need to do to give your dreams room to manifest. I am with you, and I am hoping for the same.